Say Goodbye to Owl Post

This may come as a bit of a shock, but Muggles do not, in fact, use Owl Post. Muggles like to communicate with curious objects called “fellytones” which allow you to yell at someone who is too far away to call with just your voice. Another effective way of non-magical communication is “email.” As I said before, Muggles do not use owls to send messages. They use chimps. The Mail Chimp, to be precise. The Mail Chimp is a totally non-magical primate that delivers messages to anyone who signs up to receive them. I’m really starting to believe we really don’t give Muggles enough credit for ingenuity.

I recently signed up to have the Mail Chimp deliver messages from Universal Orlando Resort. This was essential in order to find out when the next Harry Potter Celebration event will take place. These messages sometimes also contain package deals and discounts for the Wizarding World. Almost every week that mental chimpanzee sends me an email, and I probably open them up about 60 percent of the time.

At the top of an email is the subject line. It tells you what the message is about. This particular subject line reads “A Celebration of Harry Potter is Back!” It worked wonderfully at enticing me to open up the email because I wanted to find out when it was and the details of the event. The content matched the subject line, as it gave rough information about the event, but focused specifically on packages, stating that packages were on sale soon and that details could be found at the provided link. No, not a sausage link. A fancy Muggle digital link that automatically brings you to a webpage. Ingenious!

The call-to-action says “See package details.” It’s very effective because it’s concise and has visual hierarchy in the advertisement. The quantity of content is appropriate because it gives you vague information (the dates of the event and some of the content of the event, such as Q & A sessions and panels) but entices you to click the link for more details.

The Mail Chimp is a very intelligent creature. In fact, I suspect that this particular message was only delivered to a certain segment of those on the Universal Orlando Resort sign-up list. Since I had previously bought tickets to the Wizarding World, this message was delivered to me. I’d bet you all my galleons that this email was directed toward everyone who had previously bought tickets.

This message did a great job of building my excitement for the next Harry Potter Celebration. I sure hope that maniacal monkey comes back to tell me which cast members will be attending the annual Q & A session!

SEO for Squibs

Today’s lesson on the blog is for all you Squibs out there! If you’re a Squib trying to make it in the Muggle business world, you’ll need to know all about Search Engine Optimization, or SEO. Once you master to subtle science and exact art of search engine optimization, you will make your web page more visible, which will lead to more traffic, which will lead to more Galleons! Excuse me, money. No one does search engine optimization as well as the great Muggle Marketing guru himself, Professor Pepe. But I don’t want all you Squibs to worry; in these lessons I will teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even have a blog as highly ranked as Professor Pepe’s.

Google Keyword Planner

A great tool to use first is Google Keyword Planner. It allows you to find the most searched terms, so you can match keywords on your site and get higher visibility. Just look at this great mumble-jumble of Muggle Muggleness:

 

So much Muggletry in such little space

So, as you can see in the above photograph, if you had a website about do-it-yourself broomstick care, the most searched term for this is “witches broom.” Therefore, you would want to use this phrase as a keyword on your site. That way, everyone searching “witches broom” will pull up your site on the search.

Relevance

To capitalize on keyword searches, you must increase relevance. You can do this by putting the keywords in your URL, Title Tag, and Headers. For example, you would want your landing page to have a URL like www(dot)doityourselfbroomcare(dot)com/witches-broom, or set “Witches Broom” as the title tag for your witch’s broomsticks page. Also, be sure to set the alt text of your pictures of witch’s broomsticks to say “witches broom.” Load up all your Headers and site content with relevant keywords to get improve your search ranking. Always remember that larger headers are recognized by search engines as more important.

Well, there you have it! I daresay with this excellent advice, all you Squibs should have no problem with search engine optimization for your sites. If you want to learn more, there are some great articles from very clever Muggles out there on the web. I apologize to any witches or wizards who read this post and hadn’t had the faintest clue as to what I was on about.

 

Muggle Fashion

When out and about in the Muggle world, you can’t wear your wizard robes without drawing unwanted attention to yourself. I’ve seen our lot make attempts at pulling together Muggle outfits and it usually isn’t pretty. Luckily, the Spanish clothing store Zara makes it very easy, not only with their great selection of garments, but also with “lookbooks” filled with ideas for what to wear.

Here’s a look at what’s in store this Autumn:

Now, here comes the tricky part: using the website. The good news is, if you’ve found this blog, you already know what the Internet and a website is, which means you’re already almost there. Besides, this website is pretty easy to use and quite beautiful to look at.

The website’s minimal design makes it very easy to find what you’re looking for. Just click “Man” if you shopping for men’s clothes, or “Woman” if you are shopping for women’s clothes. Afterwards, you will find subcategories for trousers, jumpers, coats, and much more. There is also a search feature, which allows you to find specific items, such as “pinstripe trousers” or “houndstooth overcoat.”

The purchasing process is rather easy. Just select your size (there is a size guide if you’re not sure. Don’t worry, they use the imperial system as well as the Muggle metric system) and then add it to the cart. The one drawback to this part of the site is that items do not stay in the cart for long, so you must be quick to check out. That being said, I must hand it to these ingenious Muggles for creating a website that is so simple and easy to navigate. They must be making a lot of galleons—excuse me, “revenue,” as the Muggles say—on the daily.

Though Zara is considered a mildly popular Muggle brand, many people do not know about it. Despite their keyword-filled page titles, (Men’s Fashion, Women’s Fashion, Autumn/Winter Fashion) an Internet search for “clothing,” “urban clothing,” or “fast fashion” will not turn up the Zara site, so I would suggest that they work on their visibility to create more traffic toward the site. More traffic can lead to more people buying up those clothes, or “conversions” as the Muggles say. Luckily for them, they will probably get some new visitors from this blog post!

But enough about the site, let’s get you all in some nice Muggle clothes. Pretty soon Albert Runcorn won’t be the only wizard who can rock a trench coat to work at the Ministry.

Maybe the folks at Zara should check out this blog for help: https://marketingbyprofessorpepe.wordpress.com

A Right Proper Beverage

When it comes to beverages, Muggles fancy the most peculiar things. In the Muggle world, you will find no giggle water, babbling beverages, or gurdyroot-infused black tea. Instead you will only find green bottles filled with dew from mountains, peppers with PhD’s, or strange concoctions called “Kale Flacksy’d Smooth-Ease” (which incidentally taste like liquified bogey-flavoured Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans).

However, in a great feat of ingenuity, these Muggles have devised a recipe for a delicious drink that tastes almost exactly like our favourite Butterbeer from the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. This fantastic beverage is curiously called Flying Cauldron Butterscotch Beer. You can purchase a 12-pack for just 16 Muggle Dollars, or for those of us who just can’t get our heads around paper money, 3 Galleons 5 Sickles and 16 Knuts.

Here’s a picture of a bottle with my prized copy of Harry Potter’s biography by the renowned magical historian, J.K. Rowling (who was recently pardoned by the Wizengamot for her infamous breech of the International Statute of Secrecy):